Flight Deck

Who Would Have Thought

Three more days before I move into the nursing home. I would never have imagined that something like this would have happened to me as a result of my conversations with Dr. Pou. If someone had told me what was going to happen as a result of our conversations, I simply would not have believed them. The whole thing just seemed to crazy and improbable. But perhaps that's the way life works. There is not a day that goes by that I am not somehow reminded of hurricane Katrina and the horrible events at Memorial Hospital, which by the way has been changed. I remember listening to Anna's press conference after the Grand Jury failed to indict. Not once did she apologize. But I guess the question is this: why would she apologize if she felt she had done nothing wrong? She told me that she loved the patients and did not want them to suffer and that was why she killed them. I still remember that phone conversation. The hairs on the back of my neck still stand up. Some nights I wish this nightmare would simply end and I could go back to the life I used to have and love. And yet I feel so badly for Anna and her state of denial. She has made herself a prisoner by her untruths. I cannot imagine how she must spend each day wondering when the truth of the matter will be revealed.
But as for me, how I have struggled to put the pieces of my life back together again. But that's really not possible. So instead I look forward to moving into a nursing home since I am no longer able to care for myself. The simplist daily tasks have become difficult for me. What  health care professionals call "activities of daily living," or ADL's have become increasingly more difficult. Some weeks pass in some horrible kind of blurriness and all the time I hope that perhaps some day Anna will tell the truth. Until then, I stumble from day to darkness and darkness to day hoping she might finally tell the truth and in doing so set herself free.

My Birthday

Today is March 16th, 2013 and yesterday was my birthday. I am now 53 years old and yesterday I received a phone call informing me that I will be moving into a nursing home. If someone had told me that such an eventuality would be the result of my conversations with Dr. Pou I would not have believed them. After all our conversations, the emails, the phone calls, the praying and the crying I have simply been unable to completely come to terms with our conversations and those patients who lost their lives that morning. I remember how often I begged Anna to tell the truth, to explain to the public the things we had talked about. I promised Anna that the public would understand as long as she told the truth. Unfortunately, she decided not to take my advice.
In some strange way, I understand why she decided to maintain the fiction of that horrible morning. Had she told the truth she would have lost everything. She would have lost her medical license and she would have gone to prison. But at least there, she would have finally been free. She would have told the truth and and the public would have understood. But instead she decided to maintain the fiction of propriety.

I have often wondered if Anna had any understanding of the far reaching ramifications of her actions. It has certainly turned my life upside down. In a very real way, she killed me too. I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I lost my truck and now I am having to move to a nursing home because I simply can no longer take care of myself. And yet I pray every night that some day Anna will finally tell the truth and in doing so free herself from the chains of lies and self delusion.
As for me, everyday is a struggle. I suffer from serious depression and and anxiety. At night I have nightmares and wake in the middle of the night no longer able to sleep. And yet there is no blame. I told Anna that I was truly her friend and I told the truth. Though she probably does not understand, I am still her friend. There is not a single night that I do not pray for her, that God will forgive her transgretions and that she and I might some day sit beneath the broad branches of the tree of life. Until then, everyday is a struggle and a reminder of that terrible morning back in September, 2005.

Hi everyone. I apologize for not having written in a while. I have ben very sick. I spent the last four months in the hospital. I wish I felt better. There is not a day that passes that I am not somehow reminded about hurricane Katrina and the aweful events at Memorial Hospital. It seems like such a long time ago. I remember how often I begged Anna to tell the truth but in the end she decided not to tell the truth. I don't know how many of you have recently watched the movie, Flight, with Densil Washington. At the end of the movie he was given the opportunity to keep his job and by extension his life. All he had to do was lie. In the end he told the truth and landed in prison and he said for the first time he felt free. Until Anna tells the truth, she will not be free.

From Mark, my friend in England

Thoughts on the past and Present

My Dear Friends: I know that it has been a while since I last spoke with you and have yet to print more of the correspondence between myself and Anna and Michael Morales and Jullie Cullen. Please just bere with me. I have been so tired recently. Anna has been in my thoughts and in my prayers. How I have prayed so earnestly for my friend, that the burden of her judgement is not laid upon her shoulders but ibtsead are placed upon mine. For in the end, is it not right that we should bare the burdens of those we came to love? Is that not love? I remember back in June and July of 2007, shortly after the "verdict" from the Grand Jury, I wrote to Anna and begged her to tel the truth, the truth she shared with me on that April/May Saturday morning in 2007, the truth about what happened to the nine patients on the seventh floor of Memorial Hospital. I remember telling her that in my Fathers Kingdom there was no such thing as judgement or condemnation. That in His Kingdom there is only LOVE and that He loved her very much. I remember I also explained to her that the public would understand also but only if they heard it from her. But if they found out that other way, there would be both judgement and condemnation for while there is no such thing as judgement or condemnation in Gods Kingdom, there is both judgement and condemnation in this world. But this world is not the same and Our Teacher has overcome the world!! I guess she decided not to tell the truth and in not telling the truth, she has made all of you and those who love her, an accessory to her crime. And so I continue to write to her, to let Anna know that I have not only told her the truth, but continue to be a constatnt friend....

My Dear Friends: I know that it has been a while since I last spoke with you and have yet to print more of the correspondence between myself and Anna and Michael Morales and Jullie Cullen. Please just bere with me. I have been so tired recently. Anna has been in my thoughts and in my prayers. How I have prayed so earnestly for my friend, that the burden of her judgement is not laid upon her shoulders but ibtsead are placed upon mine. For in the end, is it not right that we should bare the burdens of those we came to love? Is that not love? I remember back in June and July of 2007, shortly after the "verdict" from the Grand Jury, I wrote to Anna and begged her to tel the truth, the truth she shared with me on that April/May Saturday morning in 2007, the truth about what happened to the nine patients on the seventh floor of Memorial Hospital. I remember telling her that in my Fathers Kingdom there was no such thing as judgement or condemnation. That in His Kingdom there is only LOVE and that He loved her very much. I remember I also explained to her that the public would understand also but only if they heard it from her. But if they found out that other way, there would be both judgement and condemnation for while there is no such thing as judgement or condemnation in Gods Kingdom, there is both judgement and condemnation in this world. But this world is not the same and Our Teacher has overcome the world!! I guess she decided not to tell the truth and in not telling the truth, she has made all of you and those who love her, an accessory to her crime. And so I continue to write to her, to let Anna know that I have not only told her the truth, but continue to be a constatnt friend....

My Dear Friends: I know that it has been a while since I last spoke with you and have yet to print more of the correspondence between myself and Anna and Michael Morales and Jullie Cullen. Please just bere with me. I have been so tired recently. Anna has been in my thoughts and in my prayers. How I have prayed so earnestly for my friend, that the burden of her judgement is not laid upon her shoulders but ibtsead are placed upon mine. For in the end, is it not right that we should bare the burdens of those we came to love? Is that not love? I remember back in June and July of 2007, shortly after the "verdict" from the Grand Jury, I wrote to Anna and begged her to tel the truth, the truth she shared with me on that April/May Saturday morning in 2007, the truth about what happened to the nine patients on the seventh floor of Memorial Hospital. I remember telling her that in my Fathers Kingdom there was no such thing as judgement or condemnation. That in His Kingdom there is only LOVE and that He loved her very much. I remember I also explained to her that the public would understand also but only if they heard it from her. But if they found out that other way, there would be both judgement and condemnation for while there is no such thing as judgement or condemnation in Gods Kingdom, there is both judgement and condemnation in this world. But this world is not the same and Our Teacher has overcome the world!! I guess she decided not to tell the truth and in not telling the truth, she has made all of you and those who love her, an accessory to her crime. And so I continue to write to her, to let Anna know that I have not only told her the truth, but continue to be a constatnt friend....