My Birthday

Today is March 16th, 2013 and yesterday was my birthday. I am now 53 years old and yesterday I received a phone call informing me that I will be moving into a nursing home. If someone had told me that such an eventuality would be the result of my conversations with Dr. Pou I would not have believed them. After all our conversations, the emails, the phone calls, the praying and the crying I have simply been unable to completely come to terms with our conversations and those patients who lost their lives that morning. I remember how often I begged Anna to tell the truth, to explain to the public the things we had talked about. I promised Anna that the public would understand as long as she told the truth. Unfortunately, she decided not to take my advice.
In some strange way, I understand why she decided to maintain the fiction of that horrible morning. Had she told the truth she would have lost everything. She would have lost her medical license and she would have gone to prison. But at least there, she would have finally been free. She would have told the truth and and the public would have understood. But instead she decided to maintain the fiction of propriety.

I have often wondered if Anna had any understanding of the far reaching ramifications of her actions. It has certainly turned my life upside down. In a very real way, she killed me too. I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I lost my truck and now I am having to move to a nursing home because I simply can no longer take care of myself. And yet I pray every night that some day Anna will finally tell the truth and in doing so free herself from the chains of lies and self delusion.
As for me, everyday is a struggle. I suffer from serious depression and and anxiety. At night I have nightmares and wake in the middle of the night no longer able to sleep. And yet there is no blame. I told Anna that I was truly her friend and I told the truth. Though she probably does not understand, I am still her friend. There is not a single night that I do not pray for her, that God will forgive her transgretions and that she and I might some day sit beneath the broad branches of the tree of life. Until then, everyday is a struggle and a reminder of that terrible morning back in September, 2005.